A
tour of SF from unda yo ass Brought to you by Dr. Mme. Niffer, Phdd
Looking
for a quiet getaway- that special place to purchase your t00kuss
away from home? Well, look no further for where to do your d00ty-
you have found the one and only guide to San Francisco's water closets!
May the force (corialis) be wit' you, you stinkbutt.
Reviews of various pubic in and outhouses will be placed here at the
discretion of the author. Bun-going quality
of said places are represented by a toilet symbol rating system- the
more bowls the better, on a scale of one to five. The most evil of
bathrooms, the kind where you thought you hadn't died and gone to
hell yet but allofa sudden there you were (ala Trainspotting!?)
will have their own visual rating system, so numbers may go into the
negative, catch my waft?
Monthly features will be the main attraction, with a few other sections
and reviews on the side- story submissions
are welcome! It helps if you write in the address.
Symbol
Keys:
EATery restaurant/cafe
SEEtery see something
CLUBery do something
Rating
of goodness!
* *
Jumpin'
Java's- 139
Noe St. (415)431-JAVA (open til 10)
Lappers
submission of
-Kamio-
Here's
what I want to say about the Jumpin'
Java's loverly toilette. Upon entering, one is immediately struck
by the pervasive redness of this water closet. It's a typical
pan-gendered cafe rest room, but it's got style, baby. From
the cheesy yard sale wall plaques and accessories to the little gold
tassels on the curtain tie-backs, it's all about a sort of orgy of
funky interior decorating. The facilities are pretty mundane, but
if one is so inclined as to have a seat on this humble throne, it's
kind of a peaceful, womb like, soothingly visceral experience. The
air is also delicately perfumed with something artificial but pleasantly
floral. I give this potty roughly 4 and a half toilets, ah heck, let's
make it five. Five toilets! Cheers!
*
*
New
Lun Ting- 670
Jackson (at Grant)
December
99-pics courtesy of Eric Wu
New
Lun Ting
is a slice of culinary/bun-iary heaven located yards away from Bruce
Lee's birthplace. (Across the street in the LIPPO BANK building) The
ghost of every dead cook in San Francisco past resides in the hands
of New Lun Ting cooks- which is to say they have a great variety of
high yummi factor foods! My partner in fun and I find this charming
diner to be our favorite China Town hide-away. Despite their Chinese
namesake, equally good are their Spanish, Italian, American and Irish
dishes. Said partner, who _for some reason_ is recognized by the hostess
as regular (she went there without me!) likes to pork out on corned
beef and cabbage (with rice, of course!)- quite a treat! Personally
I have a penchant for their curried vegetable dish, every bit a treasure.
But before eating you get the pleasure of wading through 3 separate
menus, double sided laminated sheets with a variety of Chinese and
English scrawled or typed w/ multiple edits. You will find such delights
as Lemon Coke, Horlick, Ovaltine, $1.10 hamburgers and in desserts
my friend's favorite- custard pie.
On our last Co-visit we brought along our out of town friend Eric,
who daringly shared the experience of Hong Kong Ice Teas with us.
These beverages pack a wallop where it counts, and they are delicious-
I would say addictive, nectars of the gods. Take a Thai Ice Tea and
X it by ten. By the time you are done you will want to visit the water
closet, if you haven't already. Walk briskly through the little kitchen
on the right side, turn to your left and descend into the basement
lav experience (photos above- thankyou Eric!). The rather charming,
dank smelling unfinished basement "room" generously offers two choices-
the swinging door stall and the walk-in stall. Stop to smell the spider
webs and feel the onion sacks, then chose one- I always go for the
walk in on the the left. It's the one that works, usually. Now you
can sit and enjoy the view at the same time- there is a hole in the
wall that opens to a grate in the alley- I figured this out when I
heard the voices. Or maybe those were the ghosts of Lun Ting past.
-Niffer
*
*
El
Balazo-
1654 Haight St. (at Clayton)
Sept.
Reader submission!
El
Balazo Taqueria, a brightly painted muralesque pastiche of traditional
Mexican imagery in vivid, contrasting colors, is a sight to behold
in and of itself, but a special treat awaits those who wish to powder
their noses... Up the stairs and to the right is the single unisex
privy, a relatively spacious and reasonably sanitary room featuring
a shiny black sink and all your standard facilities. What is not standard,
however, is the intense collection of graffiti scrawled over nearly
every square inch of the florid emerald green walls. As you pause
to relieve yourself, let your eyes wander among the mind-bogglingly
intricate network of words, tags, phrases, images and stickers, following
threads which must have taken several years to accumulate. Meditate
upon the sheer number of authors, marking their visit to these hallowed
halls of excretia with a black sharpie in hand as you do your business.
When you've completed your task, take up your own sharpie and leave
a mark of your own. For quality and quantity of reading material,
I give this loo a whopping 7 and a half toilets! - Kamio
*
*
Li
Po-
916 Grant Ave (at Washington)
Sept.
Reader submission!
Having recently caused myself near alcohol poisoning while celebrating
my nearly 3 decades on this earth, i had multiple opportunities to
visit the little boys room at Li
Po, my favorite Chinatown bar. The many adventures waiting for
you include steep and windy stairs, that only get worse as your night
progresses, though towards the end of my night I found myself vaulting
down them nimbly. For some strange reason, the doors to the laddies
and lassies are right next to each other, and are in fact stall doors.
So be careful ladies, because that cute guy you're talking about might
be in the other stall listening! Inside, the facilities are fairly
grungy - a standard amenity in the low-rent Chinatown establishments
that are the ones worth attending. Why are they all that weird beige
color? It conveys age, while simultaneously projecting dirt. Over
the years, in the face of changing population in San Francisco the
amount of chinese graffiti has decreased in the Gents, but there is
still the faithful few. Other comments include tourists proclaiming
that they're cool because they're from kansas or wherever, and the
usual blather about large members and cheap dates. My personal favorite,
"You're not cool just 'cause you're in Chinatown." But this bathroom
sure makes a trip to the necessary room cool! So remember that Gweilo,
as you stumble down the stairs full of Ng Ka Py! -Mongo
*
*
Sparky's
Diner-
242 Church Street
Sept.
Reader Submission!
Sparky's
24-hour Diner, voted "Best
24-Hour Freakshow" in sfWeekly's Best of SF 1998, boasts
some pretty weird facilities. First of all, the restrooms (one for
guys, one for dolls) are located off of the kitchen, so you get to
see the hustling, bustling kitchen staff before and after venturing
in to the closet-like johns, which are populated by a single porcelain
throne, which isn't so terribly weird, but the rooms' dimensions are
definitely odd, roughly 4 feet wide, 10 feet deep, 15 feet high. I'm
going on memory here, as I didn't have a tape ruler handy. The walls
are painted lurid, obnoxious patterns in bright reds and blues, and
there's a whole lot of humidity. It's a pretty challenging environment,
but the clashing colors prove to be a digestive and eliminatory stimulus,
which, combined with great quantities of caffeine, can lead to a highly
productive bathroom experience. Not a crapper for those who prefer
meditative introspection with their evacuation! I give Sparky's restroom
experience an overall score of 3 and a half potties on account of
the loud paintjob. -Kamio
*
*
the
Power Exchange-
74 Otis Street
August's
Reader submission!
Maybe you saw San Francisco's bizarre bondage nightclub the 'Power
Exchange' mentioned in the Milkycat
guide to Weirdo San Francisco! MAN do they have a weird toilet
experience in store for you! At least the women's restroom! If you've
never been brave enough to go there yourself, this firsthand account
may give you a better idea of what its like in the dirty underbelly
of the spooky San Francisco S&M scene!! First, the bathroom is
IMPOSSIBLE to find-- it's located on the bottom floor of this dark,
blacklight-lit S&M dungeon in the back corner... You must wander
past 47 varieties of colorful weirdos (I mean that in a positive way,
though there are a few creeps too) to get there, while loud electronic
music thumps all around. Pasted on the door is a paper sign that says
"WOMEN ONLY!!!!" If you're brave enough to venture through
the door, you'll find yourself in a bathroom... What's that over there?
Behold! A water cooler filled with sparkling blue liquid. WARNING:
IT'S NOT WATER! Take a Dixie cup, dispense some blue fluid, have a
sip, voila-- you are drinking MOUTHWASH! In an office-style water
cooler! If that hasn't blown your mind yet, look around the ladies'
room! You will find yourself surrounded by all sorts of interesting
and gorgeous people-- leather, PVC, latex clad tops, bottoms, dykes,
beautiful transsexuals, crossdressers who speak Tagalog at a blinding
blinding speed, and a few bewildered tourists who just dropped in
to check it out. People are pretty cool with the crossdressers being
in there-- but I do have to nitpick: PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN for
christsakes! This is the ladies' room, after all. In beautiful
San Francisco, people may be different, but they are beautiful and
friendly. All in all this restroom gets 3 toilets for its very unique
experience. - Pippilina
*
*
Red
Vic-
1727 Haight
Reader
submission!
As
one of a few male correspondents for this section of the milkycat
site, I must make my debut with a few words of praise for the Red
Vic's water closet for the y-chromosomes amongst us. Nice pale blue
walls with a marine life theme allow for meditation on water which
can be essential to get the rivers flowing, so to speak. Cute little
octopi and fishes. Another nice touch is the schedule tacked up over
the urinal so you can plan your next visit. After too much coffee
during some goofy art film you take hipster girls to so they think
you're cool, there's only one place to go, and that's into the gents.
Thumbs and other relevant parts up! -Dan
**
Sea
Biscuit-
3815 Noriega
Feature
of the Month!
Both
the ultimate and penultimate toilet
in San Francisco- and the only one I make a special point to visit
when I need to clear my mind as well as my bowels. You can put your
worries away the toilet of this fine cafe- maritime hues will whisk
you far way to better lands.
Featured in the room are photos of brusk ocean, a beautiful arrangement
of sea treasures on a driftwood shelf over the sink, lovely curtains
moving with fresh air from by the sea. Down to the lightswitch this
place is a work of art! Of course check out the rest of the cafe too.
It's got loads of good comestibles and an atmosphere to match. And
remember,
eat to excrete!
*
*
Roxie
Theater-
3117 16th St. at Valencia
Most
theater bathrooms are sterile and boring or both- a place you run
to as quick as you can to void your bladder in as short as time as
possible during a slow spot (you hope) in your film. But it is not
so at the Roxie. You will want to make you special bowel void break
before the flick starts (or after) so there will be plenty of time
to savor this quaint get away! I must be truthful here and reveal
that I only know about the female counterpart bathroom here...
Derr nice features are as follows: Old fashioned porcelain corner
sink, a stack of colorful calenders to snatch from, small white hexagonal
tiles to ponder whilst on the shitter, and last but not least the
folding french wood slat door to tuck you in while the others wait.
*
*
Orphan
Andy's-
3991 17th St. at Castro
If
you like claustrophobia, this is your bag. Walk through the kitchen,
go down a few steps, there- to your right. What- that skinny door??
Yup! The room is about a 3 or 3.5 foot square, with the usual ceiling
height- with your basic toilet dead center. I am a fairly small person
and my knees are up against the door when I sit on the pot- I have
no idea how sitters of adult stature fit in this thing! You gents
and other standing peers will have to lean your upper body to fit
and hopefully not overspray- unless you want your bare ass brushing
that greasy door! Decoration nil, scum level medium, raunchy wall
writing- pretty excellent. And don't forget- Orphan Andy's wonderfully
greasy spoon, gay atmosphere is open 24 hours! Well worth the trip/tip.
*
*
It's
Tops-
1801 Market St.
Another
way cool greasy spoon diner, East Coast style, with plushy red vinyl
seat booths and bar stools facing the kitchen. Picture the diner in
Five Easy Pieces, or the Dark Backwards- Yeaaaaaah, that's it- with
lotso fifies pics and paraphenalia! (but no paraffin aliens- sorry)
So the bathroom will be a surprise when you get there. Shall I spoil
it? Alright! Go through the little hallway, to the right and step
down into the hot bright triangular neon lair of Ren and Stimpy! Stimpy
is purported to have a gas mask- you'll just have to find out whut
else.
**
Headlands
Center for the Arts-
944 Fort Barry, Sausalito
415 331 2787
Ok-
this bathroom set is not in San Francisco proper but so what- it's
so frickin cool it get's six frickin toilets, mmkay... We are talkin
the apotheosis second coming and charlton hestman beating his chest
cool, fool. This is the kind of bathroom that surpasses the art
center/view- or any other bathroom you've seen for that matter.
How to explainee?
Located on 12,000 acres of land under army jurisdiction until 1972,
the Headlands toilet room is still cognizent of its sordid past.
You walk into a large open room with probably 20 bowls, half of
them sitting in the open with water in them and pipes going down
but no way flush them, never mind the lack of stalls. At this point
you think the guide at the desk is playing a joke on you, and this
is just some bizarre art installation. But you try one of the sinks
to your left and it works. So does the next one, but only one faucet.
So there is plumbing to the room... Ahh- then you see the bigger
than man sized polished steel cylinders ahead of you- about four
of them connected in a geometrical sine wave type configuration-
obviously some sort of sculpture. Oh well- you still gotta take
a piss! Let's look at those cylinders closer- there's some kind
of chain hanging from the ceiling into them- you walk around to
the other side and find a giant piece of the the cylinder swings
open on heavy hinges- so what's inside? A pretty little toilet and
a flush chain! So you eagerly get in and close the door to be ensconced
in this magnificent barrel- it's a dream come true, you are the
egg in its perfect shell, you have achieved nirvana.
EATery restaurant/cafe
SEEtery see something
CLUBery do something
Rating
of goodness!
*
