by Pippilina n Kamio the big San Francisco lesbians. Updated Nov 2001. goddam! this town is teeming with wretched & miserable tourists so we recommends the following activities whilst being a big gay poser in San Francisco. Thingz to see Places to mooch around Shop for ninjas Be fetishy and pierced Placez where to buy musiks CAFE FRJTZ Crepes and belgian style french fries. Check out the psychedelic bathroom. This place used to be rad when it was Mad Magdas then all the dot kommerz moved in and everybodys on cell phones talking about heuristics. The best part about Frjtz is the patio in the back though, because somebody lives in this weird shackey hovel back there.. watch the mysterious door.. VIZIT ALAMO SQUARE AT DOGTIME 5-6 PM. Yeah so so Alamo Square is sort of on the tourist path, its , in fact it's pretty popular because many horrible movies and TV shows use its famous view of the city against the victorian houses. But the real reason to go is to check out the many ass sniffing dogs who gather there around 5 or 6 PM every day, little city pooches who have been kept inside all day can finally get out and run around, shit on the grass while their owners pick the turds up with plastic bags and hump each other. Often there are rad three legged tripod dogs running around. PANCHO VILLA BUENOS DIAS. This is Pedro and Inez, they are making a TORTILLA. Can you say that with me? TOR-TEE-YUH. Their house is made of ADOBE. A-DO-BE. ADo we have any mexican americans with us today? Well BEUNOS DIAS. mexican food on 16th street between Valencia and Mission street.. extremely popular, delicious, okay cheap. Do and notice: Gen-u-wine Art adorning the walls, and the Security Guard who opens the door for you when you arrive. RUSSIAN BAKERY Hockulash! array of sticky sweet amazing treats and pastries alongside mouth watering piroshki and fresh-baked bread for Low Low Prices! There is this one thing that looks like extruded intestines frosted with plum sauc3e. What the fuck! Try the chocolate death potato, it's so much chocolate in such a small space, gravity will implode upon itself and you will be ripped to shreds like in thgat movie with the robot. On Geary Boulevard near 20th Avenue. BOMBAY BAZAAR & ICE CREAMERY Stinky indian spices, groceries, cooking supplies, Indian icecream and a soda fountain featuring tasty weirdo indian flavors like rose, cardamom, kisa. $1.00 samosa. Valencia street between 16th and 17th streets.. THRIFT TOWN (17 REASONS) A favorite thrift shop in the city, huge and dirty, fun, you can find a lot of dirty, stained filthy crap here.. Check out the enormous papier-mache parrot hanging from the ceiling. Admire the huge 17 reasons sign atop the building. On the corner of Mission street and 17th street. Wash your hands after visiting, its unsanitary and smells funny! ARTISTS TELEVISION ACCESS Video artist-filmmaker collective, often has screenings on Saturday nights... check it aiight?... on Valencia street between 18th and 19th street, i think... THE TIKI SCENE Ooka laaka mooka maaakkaka wakkaka san francisco has a lot of killer Tiki bars where you can get big ridiculous rum-based drinks in tiki heads and volcano lava bowls and big bowls of dick: TONGA ROOM: the biggest and priciest Tiki Bar features regular indoor typhoon strobe light and sprinkler thunderstorms over the swimmingpool lagoon with a floating islandraft carrying a shitty coverband that plays for you. Watch drunk convention people jump into the pool then get all fished out with ladders by the manager. TRAD'R SAM'S On Geary Street near 30th Avenue.. This place is a lot seedier than Tonga Room but it has its own fucked up tiki charm.. Pippilina recommends the King Louie which is more like a Booze milkshake. THE WEREPAD This place is faggy arty punk retro scene run out of this warehouse down on 3rd street. They often screen hard to find 'B' Movies and a small bar, psychedelic plastic light shows hanging from the ceiling, CARDS AND COMICS CENTRAL Speaking of comics... Milkycat Secret Agents have scouted out one of the finest purveyors of comics, action figures, pokemon, toys, and other ginchy stuff. The place is literally packed to the rafters with all sorts of great stuff for all you otaku freaks!! The guys who work here are super goofy and nice, too. Always a plus! Located at 5522 Geary Boulevard, near 20th Avenue. Right on the 38 busline. PANCAKES AT PUBIS NOIR San Fran's lektronic industrial music performed live while pancakes are served in a fuct up mission warehouse. 1943 Mission at 16th. Usually on sundays 1 PM-2 PM. Lap down industrial strength banana pancakes. JUSTICE LEAGUE A good place 2 be for kinderwhore-rave kids. This new club popped up on Divisadero Street, between Hayes and Grove Street in the home of the former Kennel Club, the notorious punk club of a bygone era, reborn into one of the best places to see new electronic/techno, hip hop, reggae. HORSESHOE CAFE This was my favorite cafe in San Francisco, but it has changed hands so many times that every time I visit, it seems to be a different place. It used to be really fucked up and dirty and mad maxxy and we loved it then, then it was sold to some Pakistani guy who made it all super sterile and like a liquor store with cigarettes for sale, then it changed hands again and its like half as dingy as it used to be. For fux sake. AMERICAN FAMILY RESTURAUNT Divisadero at McAllister. Though this place is run down and mildewey, you can get a $2.50 cheeseburger with fries. A nice little secret place to get cheep food with a cockroach on it but yea this roxors okay eetz. NOCNOC Cargo-cult themed pub... The real reason to come to this place is for the decor, it's a cave inside, with parts of old aircraft sticking out of the ceiling, its very much like something out of Mad Max . Ninja Store The ninja store martial arts supply is the total boss of you! It isnt really called the ninja store, no it's really Brendan Lai's Surplus Store, but its got a big plastic sign out front with a ninja on it. Its kung fu is better than yours ! Located on Mission street between 15th and 16th street..A ninja store in the heart of the grungey mission district-- what more do you want honey? Where else can you buy crack, burritos, vietnamese food and ninja throwing stars all on the same corner? Terribly convenient!!!! MOM'S BODY SHOP *AVOID*AVOID* On Haight Street at Masonic. This place SUCKS EGGS. They do shitty tattoos. Avoid at all kost unless you want to look like an EEEDIOT. I know someone who got a tat here and like they didnt finish it very properly. This is a kraptastic place to get poorly done tattooz. Unless you are a big stupid jock from Redwood City who wants to get a stupid gay tattoo or whatever. THen you should come here you pantyhose. GOTHAM PIERCING Milkycat Agent Pippilina recommends Gotham Piercing at Castro & 17th, cuz thats where she got her buhgina pierced. But not as good as uh whats that place. Oh well. GOOD VIBRATIONS s If most porn-and-novelty stores leave you feeling like a big dirty miscreant, hop on down to Good Vibrations at Valencia and 23rd Street. It wont make you any less of a dirty miscreant though. The Extremely Helpful hip retail staff is all about giving out all kinds of advice, whether you want it or not! . Also check out the antique vibrators hanging on the walls. CREEPY! STORMY LEATHER great if you are a sick perv looking for BDSM clothing, they handmake custom corsets, leather, PVC & latex, in addition to stocking a lot of scary looking restraints and fetish toys. You can be like the gimp in pulp fiction. . 1158 Howard St. OPEN MIND MUSIC ! A very good selection of electronica, drum and bass. Gorge yourself on the free stickers in the entrance. Dig around through the vinyl and find esoteric electronic musicians.... And across the street are a comic book shop (comix experience), the spooky religious voodoo witchcraft supply shop (curios and candles), and a game shop(gamescape)-- a good place if you want to bliss out on music, comics, games and dried bats.. on Divisadero near Haight. AQUARIUS RECORDS SF's coolest record shop that could. I am biased because they gave my CD a killer review. buy it you mooch. On Valencia near 21st street. Ok? aiight then. The staff sits around behind ibooks all day but they are helpful. COMPOUND RECORDS little drum and bass only shop on Haight at Steiner. Killa! Dropp tha bass! boojakasha BRAINDROPZ PSYTRANCE specialty shop with a body piercer next door. Kamio goez there for her piercingz i think and i think she likez em. The staff has gooey poo dreads. AMOEBA RECORDS At the end of Haight Street (near Stanyan) is like a huge assed amoeba that sucks all the records and CDs up and sucks you in and is huge and crazy and mental and a nightmare and a massive selection on plastic and vinyl good god*THE SHEER SIZE OF IT**! This is a good place to sell off your belle and sebastian album when laid off and cant eat or pay the rent and you have to go Academy of Art College because you saw their commercial on local cable TV.